Loneliness, or isolation, my friend.

I really believe I'm not the only one who had named her toys.
Furry teddy bear as Winston Exeter and hilarious rubber chicken Simon Vale.
The only startling point is that not only I gave them a name but also a last name, adopted Japan's style of getting their last names: by the places they live.
I talked to them.
Winston was with me after I came back to Singapore but Simon only came when I moved to Kent Vale.
I talked to Winston about everything, not in a random manner as I tend to talk to my friends but always try to start from the very beginning, peeling the matter in a trying systematic way.

One reason of me talking to them is because I believe talking helps me to stay clear-minded.
Even though, just as Sherlock Holmes in Elementary said, "I still prefer animated objects (humans or animal)".
I would like to, but I have no pets or no such "Watson" beside me.
The other reason is that I need someone to talk to.
I speak to God sometimes but God doesn't need me to recite everything from my mind since He already knows everything I want to say.
I still talks to Him though.
I can't talk to my Mum, she's the type of parent who loves to make a mountain out of a molehill and turn every conversation into a lecture.
I understand her, and appreciate that sometimes, it's just too tiring to persuade her to listen to me and respond accordingly like a friend will do.
Well, I guess you can assume that I'm a self-centred person.

I guess, or I believe, or I'm convinced that loneliness is the core reason.
I'm lonely.
There is no friends whom I can find anymore can listen to my ramble.
They all gone, to Australia, to New Zealand, to United Kingdom.
Not saying I don't have any other friends but there is something about me now.
I've changed.
Changed in a manner that I couldn't face my other not-so-close-but-on-good-terms friends.
It would just exhaust the soul out of me if I care to explain to them the changes I undergone.
Also I can literally picture their responses and their followed actions after my impenetrable explanation.
Of course you can say I don't have the need to explain myself but thing is I don't view them as I did before.
I'm different now so you, the world in my new perspective, is different now too.
Ah talk about perspective, there's a powerful quote from The Kite Runner, "Perspective is a luxury when your head is constantly buzzing with demons."
I prayed hard that I'm not that case.

At the same time I couldn't, or I don't want, to make new friends.
I know I have plenty of opportunities.
As long as I have the patience, a strong friendship can be forged in a year's time.
The problem is I don't have that precious virtue.
Or let me put it tactfully, I divert this virtue into some other areas, such as reading complicated and convoluted essays, new hobby.

Honesty is something, I perceive, greater than patience.
I'm lonely.
I need someone to talk to.
I want someone whom I can understand and capable of understanding me by my side always.
I want to talk without being afraid of offending this one, upsetting that one.
If so unfortunate that there's no one to share my...hmm wisdom, I rather befriend loneliness.
It's a stupid friend.
Never really takes any initiative to help but is extremely capable of giving bizarre ideas regarding important life decisions.
Then again I guess it's my turn to control.
In any case why should you always heed an advice of friends for your life direction?
Am I not an fully grown adult?
Why should I always let my friends to influence me?
Can't I influence them instead?
Must my loneliness be the same as those that pestering other poor souls?

Matter of choice.
I will smile to the end.

The burden is off, now I'm sure.

It's a bit interesting I have to listen to music while I'm writing about this, every time.

When I said "this", it refers to something happend to me in the disastrous year of 2012.

Yes that year was simply disastrous, and for more than once I told myself that I rather go through 'A' level ten times than experiencing that incident just a tiny 1% of it.

Lol in fact it had become a motivation when I'm enduring some sort of pain, be it physical or mental.

Okay, let's start by narrating what had happend today.

I had an appointment with Yuanyi, a classmate and a friend of mine in Junior College.

We met in MRT and I took my Graduation Certificate, then we proceeded to canteen.

She wanted to meet some of her friends and we have to wait for them to knock off.

While waiting and chatting, Yuanyi suggested we should bought drinks.

After buying a cup of nostalgic ice milo, I saw Ermy.

She was the only Malay girl in my class back in 2012.

I had always liked her when we were classmates, funny and positive.

Needless to say the affection ceased quite a lot after we separated in the following year, the statement of "distance makes the hearts grow fonder" doesn't apply to friends who have a mere acquaintance-like bond.

Yet I still have the urge of saying Hi to her, the deeper and truer motive underpin this urge is unknown.

Or I'm scared to find out.

Laugh out loud.

So I did wave at Ermy and sort of say Hi.

She waved back while I walked nearer to the table she was sitting and then I noticed her.

The woman.

Okay, it's 'the girl'.

Her name is nothing similar to Irene Adler, she has initials of LKY.

For some reason I don't really want to mention her name here, hmm let's call her Kate.

So Kate was sitting opposite Ermy.

Her face is the same as I remember it, tanned and tough but delicate to the extent that it reveals an exotic beauty.

I saw her, wasn't too surprised because I know she and Ermy hang out all the time, and I waved at her as well.

If my memory did not fail me I think I smiled, too.

Awkwardly and clearly shocked, she waved back in a timid and firm way.

Firm because I'm very sure she waved, timid because it was obvious that she was shocked and the movement of her hand waving in the air resembles someone drowning in the sea calling for help.

She did smile too I believe, also the same way as I remember it.

The stretched lips pulled to a elastic curve and her big eyes curved into a shape of crescent.

I guess she looked lovely, from my description.

I then nodded and left.

By saying left, I'm not implying the fact that I stopped there to greet them but I had been walking all along just slowed down a little and then reverted back the original speed.

The interception was so short, it felt as if it didn't happen at all.

Yet in the bottom of my heart I know somehow Kate, if I remember her personality as good as her face, she might respond somehow.

I could feel myself that I had the expectation of getting a more definite respond but physical weakness was failing me.

Upon reaching home, I flopped on my bed and had a good nap.

Waking up slightly disoriented, I found a message on my phone.

From Kate.

Due to the tiny bit expectation I had earlier on, I wasn't really surprised.

"I'm shocked to see you today, not in a bad way though."

Not the exact words but the meaning is there.

"I know it couldn't be bad," I was telling the truth.

"How do you know? Thanks for having faith in me."

"Because there is no reason for you to feel bad for my presence."

Then we talked about other stuff, the conversation flowed effortlessly.

I could even openly talk about my feelings towards my past grudge against her.

While still during 'A' level period, I knew I was more or less put the past behind.

Yet I couldn't confirm that.

Because I know how triggers work and how scary and detrimental they can be.

A single word from her can instantly stimulate anger, jealousy and hatred.

Thus I guess she was right last time in saying "if we talked there will be fire sparked somewhere"

Going to UK, back to SG, enrolled in University.

All these things wear me out and I kept myself busy.

Yet the time hasn't erased my fear.

I'm still, under the control of triggers.

I have no idea how messy things could be if I see her or talk to her again.

That was one of the two reasons I changed church.

Maybe I was wrong, but she was, to me, clearly a distracting factor in church.

Then today, coincidentally and ... beautifully, the flame sparked in a cheerful way.

Quote from my own message to her,

"It's the mental burden I shook off finally...See, I don't feel awkward or panic or even a single trace of anger when speaking to you... I guess time doesn't really heal any bloody wounds, it's the mental growth."

Well guess I shall tap on my shoulder and fall in love with Sheridan again.

The true relief, came after 2 years.

Not really a long time if you think about it, those in dramas take half of their lifetimes to reconcile haha.

It was difficult on both sides, hence it is precious when she said,

"Nice catching up with you too (:"