Regardless how peaceful death may be, the end is the end. No running way of it, this I'm sure.
I experienced death today. In the afternoon I had a severe pain in the lower part of my legs. The pain was life that of calcium-deficient but in a much more intensified manner. I was groaning a bit and a tad confused - certainly I don't have to grow anymore so why this calcium-deficient kind of pain? Due to a test coming up anon I didn't give it too much attention.
After the test, on my way walking back to my accommodation, the pain was back. Or it had always been there and it was just a matter of me noticing. It was so severe and excruciating I couldn't even walk properly or stand any longer. But it was just annoyance been ground out of it, still I didn't give much thoughts.
Upon reaching home I received Mama's call. She asked how my day was and how the test was. While replying I felt a sudden amplified sore in my legs, thus naturally I talked to her about the pain. What a 'mistake' it was! Mama worried, using her particular straining and dragging voice to remind me taking care of myself.
It was only after I hung up I then realized it might be a problem more than just normal rigid muscle pain. The paranoid-ness in me stared working. I recalled about terminal stage of bone cancer... Then an inevitable wave of fear swept over me, followed by that was a tsunami of grief. Goodness grief.
I cried. Cried and cried. Tears soon pooled on the desk.
Cancer! Terminal stage! What might become of me! A painful death! Oh really! Why! Why me! Becau of all the hatred I had in me! How about my future! How about my mama! She love me so much and it will kill her to know that I'm dying! No! God I repent! No, not working now it's bit too late. God I....
The prayer was cut off by myself, my so-called sanity. If it is designed by Him, there's no way to escape it. Sat crestfallen in my chair, face crimson with fear and anxiety, I googled my problem. None of the search results suggests cancer, but a number of them talk about blood clots which can be dangerous as well. Apparently if the problem persists go see a doctor to get some medication.
Really, in just a few seconds time my brain seemed to function normally again. Well it seemed to do so, because when I proceeded to the bathroom I thought of death again. Blood clot is probable since I love to exert pressure to my legs while studying but cancer is possible as well.
Then I thought to myself if, I was really struck with bone cancer at terminal stage, how was I going to live my remaining life? Continue being an arrogant and rude arsehole to bring my type of justice to the world? That was the original answer to the question of 'what will you do if today is your last day?' But now I don't tend to answer the question with that answer. Strangely I thought of love.
I thought of spreading love and being forgiving. When I see someone who doesn't dress cleanly I won't shun them but understand them. When I see people rushing towards a bus without queuing I won't detest them but try to fathom and pray for them. When I see people giving birth to many children I won't despise them as mere animals, but just admiring their endurance of pain.
No it's not saying my values are reverted or distorted but it is to say I take a step back and try to see the story behind. I will still judge, this is unconscious thus I cannot control, but I will not express my adversity to such bare extent. When things are too bare, it hurts a bit too much.
Thank God for changing me. You know, cancer is possible. Let's end this post by my self-composed poem:
Death, a sting.
Yet the impending of it a queer thing.
The pain arouses you,
An arousal serves as pivot
That to another direction we turn to.
I thank thee,
For the pain inflicted on me.
This is an analogy,
To a future's mystery.
A mystery indeed!
We know what the end is,
But not how we will come to be.
For many a time I thought love is redundant,
Now I see my love was never even sufficient.
I pray.
- <Calling to You.>
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